i'm natalie.
i've barely ever written here before. but whatevsss.

it's been months since i last "officially" self-injured. matchsticks pressed into my palm, one after another after another. it served its purpose, i guess. i was frantic before i did it ... and calm after. i used to think it was the act that made me feel better. just being brave enough and in control enough to hurt myself; i figured that must have been cathartic. but really it's the endorphins that get released to help you cope with physical pain. that's what makes everything seem so much clearer afterward.

before the matchstick incident i hadn't self-injured in close to a year. i don't know. that last time, the momentary relief wasn't worth having to face a scar. every time i saw it i felt ashamed. weak. and so fucking stupid.

 

it was down.
i think i fixed it.

i will send out an email soon.
if anyone wants to join, let me know.

you were fucked by dani @ 11:53 AM x

 

you were fucked by captain sica @ 10:15 AM x

 

you were fucked by captain sica @ 10:14 AM x

 

you were fucked by captain sica @ 10:05 AM x

 

i realized i can help people with my insight today. you can relate to anyone, really, even a small bit, and you can help them. and that in turn, helps you. i read my autobiography from last year and it talked about morrisey vs. robert smith battles and crayfish puppets. it also talked about a hectic homelife that no longer exists. but morrissey vs. robet smith battles still go on and crayfish puppets can still exist and be harmless. i can still be who i am even if i change a bit. change shouldn't be all that scary. a lot has changed since last october, and a lot will change next october. it will always be changing. up and down, it's time i accept that in my life. it's not my job to be happy. i was not put on this earth to be happy. it's just a beneifit of life. this weekend is going to be awesome.i threw all of my razors, every single one into the river with zac. i considered keeping one just in case i really needed to cut and then i realized that was stupid.so.so thats how i am right now.

you were fucked by Rachel @ 1:32 PM x

 

ok welcome rachel and flicky, thanks for joining. ::cheers::

i updated pictures, profiles and i think that's it. but if anyone wants to add stuff, let me know. or if you have some suggestions for me, let me know.

i'm going through some tough shit right now, so i wouldn't be shocked if i post some pictures soon.

you were fucked by dani @ 12:34 PM x

 

for the first time in my life i hope that i'm wrong. my boyfriend and i are "taking a break", "just friends" that sort of bullshit. i've been crying all day, but i've fought the urges to injure myself.

the cuts and burns on my arms are weeping and making my long sleeves stick. my eyes are heavy and wet and red. i've never felt so helpless.

you were fucked by Rachel @ 8:36 AM x

 

I cut last night, it wasn't intentional I had nothing on my mind. I was playing my newly aquired electric guitar and I realized that I could cut myself with the strings. My friend Sarah told me that last Sunday. So all of a sudden, I was getting sleepy, I grab extra string and start making stupid little cuts in my arm. It does break skin but not much blood is produced, very superficial. I remember that there is a steak knife under my bed, so I grab it and I bend the tip so I can dig into my skin better. Not enough blood, so I go downstairs and I decide to try all of the knives and see what works best. I was only trying to see blood but I wasn't cutting myself very deep for some reason. I guess this is my second relapse this week. Pictures are going to be posted on the pictures section. My next step is working this out with my therapist.

I don't really understand why I did it. I didn't have anything on my mind when I did it. I wasn't feeling especailly depressed and I wasn't mad at anyone. I really have no clue why I let myself go like that.

you were fucked by Rachel @ 1:36 AM x

 

Hi, I'm Rachel:

i started cutting in 6th grade after reading a chicken soup for the teenage soul book when i was upset and it was about cutting, and for some reason it was really appealing, even though the story ended with her stopping self mutilation. so i went into the bahtroom and broke apart a disposable razor of my mothers since i had just started shaving my legs in 6th grade. it felt really good and the blood was suprsing and the hurt was really relaxing. i found something to do to cope with my depression. over the years it got worse and worse. i was hospitalized several times and i have quit cutting several times. i just currently relapsed a few days ago.

i dont really know how to introduce myself so i pulled up my "cutting story" from the email i sent to dani

you were fucked by Rachel @ 1:09 PM x

 

i just added some new pictures. woohoo.

if you are interested in becoming a member of the blog, PLEASE EMAIL ME!

i really want to make the site active, i think it would be good.

you were fucked by dani @ 9:01 AM x